All the Glories and Sorrows of High School

Untitled depression

2011-03-27T15:45:00.000-07:00

Untitled depression

Pounding behind closed eyelids

The hot pressure

Of tears held back

And the pain of wondering

Why.

Because today I should be happy

And filled with warmth and joy

Not this aching anger

And confusion

Raging sorrow

That sweeps like fire

Burning through heart and breath and bone

Clenched teeth close to cracking

Lips bitten red and blood

pulse

It cannot stop, not now, too late

But if I let those flood gates

Of emotion open

I don’t know when

Or how

To seal them up

But if I don’t

And lean on them,

hold the shut with my

pulsing mind,

pressure behind closed eyelids

the glass walls will fail.

Eventually

They cannot hold forever

Not forever

Not for long

Spiderline cracks

Edge along the wall

Splintering until

It’s too late

And I’m lost in my own world

Of shouting

And tears

Twin rivers at last free

And the frustration filling my soul

Pounding, lashing out

At everything in the world

Friend or foe

And I no longer know the difference

What is love and light

Is upside-down

And darker confusion rules

Every inch of my body aches

With trying to hold back

This tide of depression

That batters my defenses

Breaking losses to shatter

My storm walls

I scream a wordless, silent scream

And the clear partition

That shields me from the world is one way glass

I can reach them, with all my

Anger and

Confusion and

Sorrow.

But they only see what the think they see

Think they see

Not me.

And the roar of the fountains drown out my sobs

Wrenching cries

And questions

All starting with why

Why does the sight

Of her

A friend turned foe

Bring back the 6 years gone

Memories

Images and feeling trapped once behind glass walls, now free

Conflicted hate-sorrow-meek-anger

Laced with cold longing

To be at peace

Why does this hallowed place

Holy and beautiful

Fill me with spirit

But not the holy spirit

God’s love

That everyone smiles on with warmth

Light in their eyes.

Why is the spirit that fills me cold and

Cruel

Depression’s grip

Closing in, in, in

tight embrace, too tight

and all I want in the world

is darkness and empty rooms

why

Do they only see

The anger

The hand pressed

Palm up on my temple

Lips, bitten and cracked

Repeating why, why, why

The rage and frustration in my face

The trembling of weakened

Fingers and legs

They only see this

And not the reason why

The question even I

Cannot answer

Could not answer

Will never answer

And emotions flow

An angry torrent of

hot-cold-hot

Ice and fire

Churning like acid in my stomach

Burning me and leaving me

To shier

In my own dark loneliness

After everyone has gone

Driven away

By harshness

Spat from blood bitten lips

And hardened heart

And the still there pressure

Behind closed eyelids

This too I know

Will fail

Cannot hold forever

Not forever

Not for long

And I’ll piece together

Broken glass

That shattered

Though now my fingers are laced

With scarlet threat

And my palms are tough

From scrubbing, scouring

All signs from my face

And the tomorrow

Will be filled with warmth and joy

Until again I feel

Pounding pressure behind closed eyelids.

so, yeah. new poem. wrote it at youth con. I hate those things.

something's wrong

2009-03-15T17:41:00.000-07:00

...and i don't know what or why. i am not myself. i break down. i do not understand myself.
i have been sad, angry, sad, depressed, more and more and more.
i need only a tiny reason for the floodgates of emotion to open and then i can't. take. it. any. more, and suddenly my chin is quivering and I'm sobbing, sobbing and i can't stop and my only thought is AWAY, GET AWAY and i try to find a place where i can be alone, without anyone at all,at all around.
in the past three days, it's happened 3 times.
it wasn't that bad on friday, i was just talking to mom, and then i was yelling and crying that i didn't know what was wrong with me, what was wrong, what was going on at all,and other things, like the rant from last post.
and then on Saturday.. oh, it was bad. really bad. i went to a youth thing- all day, and i was hungry, cause what they feed us is barely edible- for dinner EVERYTHING was spicy. i can't eat spicy food. so i was feeling bad about that, and started to cry- normally, that isn't what I'd do. I'd complain, or see if there was some leftover chips from lunch. but i was crying, becvause, like i said, i can't stop it, and i was sitting in the big auditoium, because i had t get there early, i was going to sing in the choir.. and i saw HER and i ran, and ran and ran, flying down stairs and far way, crying that i had to go, had to go.
because it was HER. and just Her face, Her name, makes the Memories of the Bad time come back, and it was too much, too much, too much, so i locked the door and turned out the light and wept. after 20 or so minutes, i found my aunt, and she took me home.
and then today, at church, my chin was quivering, so many people, happy people, and there wasn't a reason but i had to go, go, go, get away, away, so i did, and i came home, and i don't know how to descripe this and i can't, i can't i can't, and i'm sitting here, thinking, how can i go to school? so many kids, so many kids, so many horrible, mean ppl.
if a memorie can cause me to seek out a haven, what can flesh and blood do? there is no haven at school, on room i can hide in. how can i survive ? i don't know, i don't know, i don't know.
crap.
i'm shaking and crying all over again, and i can't stop and i have to go, go, go!
farewell untill the next time- maybe never.

A rant.

2009-03-09T19:19:00.000-07:00

I hate having to hide behind an outer shell. She is not me, I am not she. She does what They say: she ignores, she does not cry, she does not feel. She does not back down. You think I’m tough? An act, it is all an act! Can’t you tell? I pretend I do not care, but inside, I am crying, crying, crying. I hate my outer shell, who is all I am not.
When you say the things that cut to the bone, They say, ignore. When you make me want to flee, They say: Ignore. When you insult, and hurt and tear; when you parrot back all I hold dear, They say: Ignore.
But I say, no more, no more. i can't truly ignore. i can try to not reply, but i still see, her feel, know. and know, and know.
and then it adds up, yesterday and all the days before, tomorrow and all that follow, adding up, building up, until i can't take it any more.

I hate my outer shell.
And I hate the double standard- you can say what you want, call me or others anything, degrade, demean, make us feel lower than the low- but when we cry, you only laugh: don’t you know what you are doing? When we run, you mock. When we vanish and do not reappear, you find someone new to belittle.
And when we stand up? When we repeat a fraction of what you have said? We are the villains, the dirty mouthed, the horrible. We are, we are.
WE ARE NOTHING. Nothing, nothing. You can say what you want, say what you want, and we are not allowed to call you anything, say anything, anything, but “ yes ma’m” and take it. Even when you act as though we are lower than dust, we can not say” stop.” Without you screaming at the top of your lungs, like a four year old, and everyone listening to you. Then They take us aside and say : Ignore. Ignore. IGNORE
No more, we say, no more… NO MORE.
You act like we are dust, you are princesses.
We are all princesses, all of us. But to you, only you can be the princess. I am not a servant to your voice, holding my tongue, though i yearn to scream until you see and understand , no more. No more.

I feel. I feel. I feel.
I see and hear and know.
Do not tell me to Ignore. Do not call me names. Do not treat me like garbage.
I am so tired of hiding behind an outer shell. So tired of coming home to cry.
So tired of YOU and all parroting, your words. Words of hate. And of acting mean and sarcastic with my music playing full blast, looking down, because it’s all I can do.

Stop.
Just for one day, put away the words, the torment. Allow us to leave our shields at home. Allow us a day free of worry, free of pain. Is that so much to ask? Really? Truly? I do not ask for kindness, merely peace, civility. Civility.

We want a day free of having to Ignore the world falling around us. One day. Please.
You never finished this, did you. DID YOU?

NO MORE. I say, LEAVE US BE. LEAVE US BE.

Sometimes, all i need to do is cry

2008-11-04T20:40:00.000-08:00

lets get the facts down- tears are not a sign of weakness. they are not a symbol of the inability to let go of the past, they are not, they are not.
and sometimes, when someone's crying, they don't need anyone to tell them why they shouldn't be crying.
the following is a poem by a girl at my school, on just such a matter. i got her permission to type it up and put it here- isn't that nice of her? it is meant to be read as slam poetry, soo,
SOMETIMES I NEED TO CRY
Sometimes I just need to go
sit in the corner and cry
and cry till I'm dry
but then they tell me
to smile
and not understand that
I need to cry, to rage, to scream
that I need to release
that to hide behind an outer shell
is destroying me from
inside-out
that sometimes I need
to cry, and let my cheeks run wet
because a wise woman once said
'sorrow can't stick to a soul slick with tears'
and she was right
and I don’t need you and them,
telling me to
buck up, to smile, to change my attitude
Pretend it does not hurt
’cause I know
I know I'm not perfect
and that out there
there's someone worse off than me
but you know what?
I need to cry
to isolate myself behind a veil of tears
right now I need a shoulder to cry on
and if you aren’t that shoulder, then leave me be
But if you are, listen softly
and let me cry
and cry
until I'm dry
because
I need to leave behind the world
to retreat within and sob
and all I need is someone to say
'I’m here- if you wanna talk'
and to sit next to me and mean it.
I don't need you or them telling me
that I'm my own master
that if I feel a certain way, it's my own fault
to think positive, let go of the past
even when the world around me is collapsing
and I need to run and to hide and to cry

and cry
Until the tears end and I feel
empty and drained, but lighter than before
I need to catch my ragged breath
and wipe my face
till the tears have left no mark
sometimes I just need this
to cry and cry
and cry
till my world's dry
Because
Sometimes, I need to cry.

glory be